Dear Harris Boys: I Know What You're Going Through

By Mike Hess Posted Feb 24th 2010 10:48AM

For Josh and Jake Harris, this February will likely be the worst month they'll ever have to endure in their lives. Their father -- 'Deadliest Catch' skipper Phil Harris, who was not only their dad, but their boss -- died following a stroke on February 9. The pain and emotional void left by the unexpected and all-too-early passing of a father is indescribable, something incomprehensible for most. Unfortunately, I know firsthand, because as they trudge through the awfulness that is their February, my November was equally devastating when my father passed away.

So, Jake and Josh, while we've never met and likely never will, I thought I'd offer what little advice there may be for dealing with something as miserable as what we're going through.

There are quite a few things about your current situation -- and your father Phil -- that remind me of myself and my dad. While nobody can be exactly in your shoes, there's certainly a handful of similarities that bridge us closer than most others. Your dad Phil, who was just 53 when he died, reminds me a bit of my father, Jeff, who passed away at 63 -- 10 years apart, but both certainly going well before "their time" ... whatever that means. You're 24 and 26, respectively, and I'm 30, so we're almost in the same boat.

So, as brothers in loss, here we are.

Our dads were hard-working everymen who knew nothing else but working and providing. They both also would look completely out of character in anything aside from a pair of crusty jeans and work boots. Hair gel and other beauty products never appeared in their toiletry arsenal, unless they were secretly planted there by a wife pleading for them to clean up for a wedding. Your dad was a salty fisherman, and mine was a bloody butcher. When it all boils down, both got paid by providing forms of protein for others to consume and enjoy. Their quiet demeanors made the times when they were truly angry all the more riveting. When my dad yelled, he meant business, and judging from the spats we saw on 'Deadliest Catch,' Phil's red-eyed rants were equally intense.

Firstly, I'll say this: When a parent passes away, there will be a handful of well-meaning people who say that they understand what you're going through, or that they get the pain you're barely able to contain. Unless they've experienced it first-hand, they don't. It's like visiting a friend in a hospital who just snapped his femur and saying you can relate because you once sprained your ankle.

Both of you were lucky enough to have spent a good chunk of time working alongside your father. For weeks at a time, you worked, lived and experienced everything with your father aboard the Cornelia Marie -- and gave the world the gift of watching your family work, fight and laugh on television. His pride in the both of you was blatant, and your adoration for him, even in times of disagreement, was equally prevalent. Few things can bond sons and fathers together like when the kids try their hand at dad's craft. You two fished with your dad. I worked occasionally with mine in his butcher shop when I was younger. I never made it my full-time job -- mostly because he refused to let me, thanks to the hellish hours, low pay and slumping economics of it all -- but I've rubbed blue-collar elbows with my dad just like you: Learning, watching, observing -- bonding. To anyone reading this article who still is lucky enough to have their father with them, I implore you to go out of your way to work with him, whether it's for a day, a week or longer. It's a life-altering experience that will be a part of you for eternity. (For more on my times working with my dad, read my funeral day memoriam here.)

It's now been a little more than three months since my father's passing, and while there's copious amounts of memories I have of him, the most vivid ones seared into my psyche are instances where work was involved. It's that passing-of-the-torch nostalgia that makes those memories essential to me, and I'm sure once you get past the initial shock and disbelief of his passing, you'll come to find the same in your own lives.

The first month of mourning is clearly the worst. Once you get over the sheer insanity of it all and get slowly back to everyday life, you'll have those moments where normally your father would in some way be involved, but he can't be anymore. For me, I'd think about cooking something and want to call him to see what kind of meat he could get me ... and seconds later, I'd remember that that nobody was going to pick up if I called. Or if I'd written an article I think he'd get a kick out of, I'd drop him a quick e-mail with a link to it. Now I've gotten used to closing that e-mail box before hitting send.

You'll likely encounter similar instances. Should you go back to your fishing careers, the empty captain's chair your father once colorfully manned will become not just a jarring memory of him, but a shrine in a sense. Everything you do, see and hear will remind you of him, and some moments will transcend all reality and logic, making you wonder if he's sending you a message from some other place.

Take, for example, my Valentine's Day. It never really meant a whole lot to me, but having two older sisters, my dad always had a sentimentality towards it -- a total juxtaposition to his brawny, Vietnam Vet, tough guy persona (badass Vietnam photo at right, and yes, that's a bazooka he's holding). He'd always come home with chocolates for the three of us, to which I'd always tease him that it was a bit weird giving his son a "Be My Valentine" gift. He'd just shrug his shoulders. I wasn't looking for a sign from my dad this Valentine's Day ... in fact, for some reason I hadn't thought about his death that much as the holiday approached. Then, I got the clearest (and literally) most painful sign he was watching me that I've had since his death: I pretty much cut off the tip of my thumb.

It was the first cooking injury I've had in 10 years (and I cook constantly, so that's saying something), and for it to happen on Valentine's weekend was blatantly the twisted and hilarious work of dad. As a butcher, slicing through your hand every now and then was an expected hazard of the job. My dad, ever-resilient, a la Capt. Phil, would generally tend to such wounds with the sterile and doctor-approved use of electrical tape and keep on plowing through his day. Sometimes, though, if the culprit of said wound was the bandsaw or another gnarly instrument, actual doctors were employed to sew him back up.

As I stood at the sink with blood running down my arm and the pain so sharp I could feel it in the back of my eye, I began laughing. "You bastard," I said aloud, smiling at my dad, thinking that if me slicing through a digit is his new version of patting me on the back or giving me a box of chocolates ... I'd be just fine with that.

So, Jake and Josh, as you traverse your way through this hell ride called life, trust me: You'll eventually find your moments where you can take a step back, look upward and laugh, no matter how much hurt is in your heart (or hand). Life will never be the same, but you'll learn to live with the pain. It will always be a part of you, like a clicking elbow following a bad fall or how people who have hurt their knees can tell when a storm is coming. It will never be easy or "normal" again, but it's part of you, now -- and part of me as well.

Tags: captain phil harris, deadliest catch, phil harris

Comments

(441)

Wednesday 24 February

By Larry

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I loss my dad this last year and worked for him for many years and my dad was a Hard ass:)but I learned alot from him about life.Think About the good times you had with your dad.I feel for ya!Capn Phil Was Awesome!Rip Phil.

Thursday 25 February

By chris williams

all i can say is that it is very sad. i love to watch the show and at times cant help but think of my dad and how we are at times to each other. i cant even begin to understand how u boys feel. I too have a son who i love very much so and would die if i lost him. just know that your father rasied two great sons with allot of know how and guts to pick up the slack and hit the ground running. may god bless you and your families. may you guys find peace of mind while out at sea, as i know your father is still with you more so now than ever....

By Mary Pat McCabe

I could barely finish reading this article because it is so sad and so true. I lost both parents within less than 2 years of each other and both unexpectedly. I spoke with each of them one hour before they passed away. I was on my way to visit my dad for Fathers Day and got a call to stop at the hospital instead of going to my dads home. The pain never goes away. I am getting filled with tears just typing this. I feel like an orphan and I am 48 years old.

By Mariah

To the 48 year old who lost her parents: You are never old enough to lose your parents. It's always hard.

By Belladonna

EXCELLENT! Well said. They can use the support. Jake is already heading off in the wrong direction and I can hear his dad saying, ooh Jake, c'mon!

By Tiffany

I agree...Well said...but as for Jake...I just hink he's dealing with the pain the only way he knows how. He'll grow out of it eventually. Until then, maybe Phil will be riding with him to keep him safe. In spirit anyways.

Friday 26 February

By Fredia

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I am so sorry to hear this about your Dad. He was my favorite person on The Deadlisties Catch Show. I too lost my father at the age of 53. I would like you to think about this....Pictures are just our memoreies from our mind, you will never forget the good and he bad times.. but hold onto what his teachings and other things.Do what you know he would wont you to do. I am praying for your intire family I will miss him on the show. God Bless

By Lisa

I also lost my father when he was 53 he worked very hard all his life.It was all he did.I was 19 at the time.A very hard thing when you lose a parent.I just focused on the good times we had and took it one day at a time.I loved the show your father was a good man.Hang in there and know with pride your dad loves you very much.

By jane kelgman

This is one of the best statements of feelings I have seen since I lost my father. Unless you have lost a parent, you don't get it. You think you do, hence my calls, after my dad died, to apologize to friends who lost a parent before me. You don't understand the hole it leaves, until the hole is in you. It does get better, I am in year 3 without my Dad, but,it still sucks....big time. So, to Josh and Jake, my heart goes out to you. Know that your Dad will be missed by many.

By April

Jane, that was great about your calling your friends afterward. My sister-in-law had lost her Dad and I sympathized with her. I lost my own Dad a year later. And at his funeral, I went up to her and acknowledged I now knew what she had felt and that I really had no idea what she was going through. She smiled and shook her head yes. My Dad and I were super close, and yes, the first month is sheer hell. But the finality didn't really hit me for about 3 months, probably because I didn't live in the same state. Even now, 5 years later, I sometimes have to stop the car when I'm driving because of the upwelling of emotion I feel for the loss and the tears interfering with my being able to see the road. I miss him terribly, yet I am focused now on how extremely fortunate I was to have him as a Dad. I never in a million years thought that losing a parent would hurt that bad, and I was lucky enough to know him for 84 years. Even though I am older, the sting is still as painful. May the memory of their father be a joyous one, filled with love.

By nmbr1momy

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I understand the hole you are talking about. The lose of my father is so hard for me to handle, as I mentioned in my post. Because of the hard times him and I had in the past (he became my best friend later) it hurts me that I never got to tell him I loved him and that I was so happy we got close. Like you, Im crying while typing

By Valerie

Jane,
I lost both parents unexpectedly last year one in October and one in November. The pain is intense and no one can ever understand it, until it happens to them. Being an only child I feel like an orphan most of the time. There are still those days I feel like staying in bed and shutting the world out, but they are getting fewer. One of the things I most loved was watching Deadliest Catch and enjoying the family bonds with the Harris boys, Hansens and Hillstrands. I only wish my parents lived long enough to make more of those kinds of bonds. RIP Phil Harris, we love you!!

By vin

I lost my brother 5 yrs. ago in a motorcycle accident he died a day after his 31st birthday he is my only sibling. I think of him everyday and i get sad when i think that my young children were robbed of their uncle . After something like this happens the only thing to take away from it is the fact that you must surround yourself with positive people , people who love you and appreciate every moment , i know it sounds cliche but believe me its important to remember this. We will all lose someone we love , we honor their memory by living out our lives to the fullest, i know my brother is waiting for me and ill see him again.

By mypickel

I lost my son two years and 10 days ago; my dad six years ago. Mike was very eloquent indescribing the loss of a loved one. To vin: you are so right in surrounding yourself with positive poeople, and living life to the fullest to honor the loved ones who are gone. I will never be "normal" again, and the pain is always just below the surface, but I look at my son's picture, and I perservere. It's the only way I can survive.

By charlesharris53

stange as it may seem my last name is harris and my two sons are named joshua and jacob. ( josh and jake) jake being the oldest, vp at a prominent bank, josh having been a marine until a helicopter crash in 1/2004.

By LameJake

I think it's probably still harder to loose a son or daughter, then it is to loose a parent. My brother loss his younger son in 2004 in an auto accident, and he hasn't been quite right since....it just changed his whole outlook on life. He is a great guy in our family and I try to remind him of that every chance I get.
My thoughts are with you.

By Joy

God Bless you in your loss.

By Joe

I hope your son is ok.

By ralonne

What a wonderfully written, heart-warming and, yes, tear inducing article. My condolences on your father's passing, Mike - it's always difficult to lose one's parent(s).

By JODIE OBRIEN

I must say it was well written,My Dad died when I was 15 I am now 45 and the hurt is still their,more so now knowing that my Daughter is a Staff.Sgt.In the army and my father was military as well.My only child and she would ask me things all the time was grand pa like this was he like that.But most of all I loved that show me and my daughter too.but I really don't like to tell her things her being out of this country in the army as of now.
about the show she loved to watch.I just woke up and of course got on my copmuter and saying wow its my daddy birthday today.
please stay strong things happen for a reason I believe they really do we must take the good with the bad its a part of life.

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