Pop-Ed: If It Can Happen To Sandra Bullock, Can It Happen To Me?

By Isadora Alman Posted Mar 25th 2010 12:00PM

PopEater turned to board-certified sex therapist Isadora Alman to ask her opinion on how Sandra Bullock's world has been turned upside down over the past week. Her Pop-Ed follows:

If it can happen to Sandra Bullock, can it happen to me? If husbands lucky enough to be married to beautiful, wealthy Oscar winners cheat, then what protects the average woman from being cheated on?

Being deceived can happen to anyone, but that does not mean that all women will wind up betrayed or that all men are unfaithful. When news of a major deception hits, there are usually stories behind them that we don't get to hear.

Some people have raised the issue that getting to the top of one's chosen field of endeavor -- be it acting, sports, politics or the world of high finance -- takes a great deal of time and attention. That's time and attention that a famous person is not spending keeping the home fires burning. While it's true that Sandra Bullock spent time on location, there's no evidence she wasn't an attentive and appreciative spouse. Some of these "Best Actress Oscar Curse" stories seem to tell a story as old as 'Annie Get Your Gun,' which warned women not to get too successful or their men won't want them anymore.

Yet, in most of the infidelity scandals in today's headlines -- from Tiger Woods to South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford -- the person who strays is the busy one: the star. In this case, wouldn't that mean Sandra Bullock having the affair?

Rather, the one thing most of these high-profile cases have in common is that it's been the husband who has cheated, whether he's the famous one or not. But we also know that women cheat, too.

Depending on whose statistics you read, and, more importantly, believe, between 30 and 60 percent of married people in the U.S. will stray from their marriages at least once, and husbands are more likely to cheat than wives (see Truth About Deception). The reasons those who admit to cheating most often cite include that sex with their spouse has become boring or nonexistent or because the opportunity presented itself and they simply did not resist it.

However, experts and common sense agree that if there is an honest and meaningful relationship in place, those scenarios are less likely to occur.

If so many people cheat, and more cheaters are men, what lessons can we learn from celebrity infidelity scandals to protect ourselves?

Know the character of your partner. Some people are not cut out for marriage or monogamy. It's likely Jesse James believed he wanted marriage and monogamy with Sandra Bullock; yet not long into the marriage, he made choices that indicate otherwise. Do you know your partner well enough, and does your partner know himself (or herself) well enough to be sure marriage and monogamy will work? And if your partner is a man, well, double-check.

Make sure that you have a very specific agreement in place about what types of relationships are permitted outside your own. Know whether you can trust your partner to keep to any agreements made. Make honest communication something you both strive for. Put a high priority on quality time together -- in bed and out.

If having a strong marriage is really your top priority, make sure you marry someone who feels the same way. If you or your partner neglect your relationship in the pursuit of whatever else you value in life, the relationship may not meet your expectations.

And don't forget to take advantage of these unfortunate headlines by starting a conversation between you and your mate before anything goes wrong.

Isadora Alman, a Board certified sex therapist, writes the syndicated Ask Isadora advice column. You can visit her on Red Room. Her books include Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex and the recent novel Bluebirds of Impossible Paradises: A Sexual Odyssey of the Seventies.

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Tags: jesse james, sandra bullock

Comments

(28)

Thursday 25 March

By valeskas

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Of course it can happen to anyone.

By carla ford

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Why is everyone so devastated over this? She's a big girl & she'll be fine...besides, we don't know what type of person she really is behind closed doors...Sandra Bullock is an actress who happens to play likeable characters, that doesn't make her immune from bad things happening to her in her personal life. I won't be losing any sleep because HER husband cheated!

By mELISSA

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NO I WON'T LOSE SLEEP. BUT MEN AND WOMEN WHO CHEAT NEED TO GROW UP AND BE HONEST WITH THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. THESE AFFAIRS ALWAYS GOING TO HAPPEN JUST BE MORE OPEN ABOUT IT AND TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS SO THAT THEY OTHER HALF CAN THEN MAKE UP THEIR OWN MIND WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. LEAVE, ACCEPT, HAVE AN AFFAIR OF THEIR OWN.

I DON'T THINK THAT THE AFFAIR IS THE ISSUE I THINK THE LYING IS THE REAL ISSUE.

By Caroline

By all accounts her kindness and generosity is genuine, and no one has a bad word to say about her despite her 20+ years in Hollywood. A reporter who said he judges the real character of celebrities based on how many secondary interviewees return his phone calls stated that the only time in 20 years that 100% of those calls were returned was when he wrote about Sandra Bullock. It sounds silly but that really means something when you think about it. I don't care that she has millions of dollars and awards, my heart goes out to her because she did not deserve to be betrayed.

By Johnny Eckles

Sandra Bulloch is subject to the same provisions as everyone else. The reason for her misfortune and everyone else's can be found in the 28th chapter of Deuteronomy.

Sunday 28 March

By Mea

give me a break! the reason for her troubles is that her husband is a liar and a cheater and she had no idea. don't be blaming the victim!

By James Charles

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Regarding Bullok/James: words from Deborah Harry in the movie SPUN...."Men are evil and need healing"!

By Alice

I think all women know they have been cheated on,It hurts to even think about it. So why do we punish ourselves with it? Because we often hope that it does not happen to us so we dismiss the idea of it.Though in our hearts we really know the truth.

Friday 26 March

By BILLY BOB

Sandra, LOOK HUN IF U WANT TO DISH OUT I LITTLE PAY BACK :)U ARE ONE SEXY LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By Guillermo Sanchez

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What a stupid name for an article, of course, it can
happen to anyone at anytime
I can't believe you get paid for writing these 'deep' editorials.

By jessica

Why is it a stupid title? The point the columnist is trying to make is that even good-looking, rich, famous, successful people are subject to the same problems as everyone else. Their lives aren't perfect, either.

By gerry

Hell yes, it can happen. The question should be when does it not happen? I am the only person I know that has not cheated on their partner. I am surprised that she went for him cause anybody who has been with a porn star is questionable, as far as morality. I think she needs to vie for some custody of the minor child herself, and maybe she knew about all this that was going on and has been trying to get custody all along. Hmm, the real parents act gross, tho the real mom is pretty. But so is Bullock. James is ok, but he acts gross. No more pit bulls, no more choppers, no more naked women, no more tattoes, no more of the stuff of trash type behavior. Let him work on Hondas or triumphs even. No more hanging out at the bike shop. They could all get diseases, ecch. I read that the ex wife was in a lesbian movie just a year ago and some other sordid stuff. We all know the ex wife will lie, and so will James so they will do bad things around the kids and act like it is ok or brainwaish/manipulate the kids like they did Bullock. It doesn't need to happen. These people need to be moderated. If a judge can't see that after all these years of this same type of crap on Judge Judy then I don't know what to tell you. I think Bullock needs to stay with James long enuff to get custody of the kids, and then let the mom and James have supervised visits for a while. Eventually, if they both calm down then they can be given more and more rights as parents. But, if you do this with them you would have to do it with most people, or at least the people on Jerry Springer. Too bad when people look and act and are normal part of the time but then they go antisocial the other half. I think it is a chemical imbalance. Try gaba for that and eat right and eat raw and exercise. It might help.

By marn

Sadly, it often does...thoses aren't single guys and girls on all those dating sites you know!

By run-that-by-me-again

How the hell did a class act like Sandra Bullock end up with a douche bag like Jesse James?? Something doesn't quite add up there.

And if those three fugly guys pictured above can get laid, any guy can get laid. UGH!

So much attention lately on how many men cheat on their partners. Are all the wives/girlfriends that naive that they don't see the signs? Or are these men just far too clever for a really long time? LOL I just cracked myself up!!

By gobluespartyon

Jesse James should have never gotten married if he couldn't be with one women. And Sandra didn't deserved to get cheated on and she should file for divorce and try get Sunny the young one as her mother is unfit to be a parent I think Sandra can't get the kids because there not hers just a step-mother.

By Perri

TO THE JESSES, TIGERS, JOHNS, MARKS, ETC. OF THE WORLD: Listen to me: DON'T GET MARRIED! It's as simple as that. No one put a gun to your head telling you to get married. If you choose to get married, it's pretty damn clear what that entails: a promise, a contract, vows, etc. If you don't like that, if you don't think you could do that, if monogamy ain't your thing, it's real simple: DON'T GET MARRIED. Don't drag wives and children and extended families through the heartbreak, agony and unbelievable disruption of your betrayal. Cuz that's the deal: get married=fidelity/truth/honor. The kids, the wives, the families are counting on it. Can't do it, have the balls to NOT GET MARRIED!!! Can't have it both ways, fellas. At least have the integrity to be true to your own horndog natures. DON'T GET MARRIED!!

By lolo

Sometimes the women that attract these douche bags are equally guilty...if you hadn't noticed women are the most manipulative beings alive...and being one...I know what their capable of...Men are just so gulliable and nieve to see through them... and I'm not permitting their actions though by any means...How does that saying go? Behind every great man is a good woman? well behind every fallen man is ho!

By tony

The Sandra case is tragic. Before she married this jerk she had a choice of about any single man in the country, or world for that matter. Now any decent single man would be wary of a realationship with her. Given the high posssibility of her having some type of STD. God forbid it be AIDS. But with the women he has had unprotected sex with and then had sex with Sandra its more likely than not she is HIV postive!

By Barbara

It can happen to you if you marry a guy like Jesse James. Attention girls: Choose wisely!

By Chelle

I know one thing..................TIGER WOODS IS UUUUUGLY. the only thingg that got him all those affairs was his money. Gosh he is ugly.

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