Sink Your Teeth Into This: There Are Too Many Vampires and They Don't Play By the Rules

By Will Durst Posted Jul 2nd 2010 11:59PM

Pop-Ed: First the 'Vampire Diaries.' Then HBO's hit 'True Blood.' Now the third Twilight film, 'Eclipse,' has descended upon every multiplex -- with more waiting in the wings (bat wings, I'm sure). I think it's time we take a breather from our Gulf Coast miasma in order to focus on a blight of cultural crude washing up on American shores. The Ushers at the Gates of Hell themselves -- of which we are experiencing a veritable glut and I'm here to say that my soul is so weary of -- are vampires. Bleh.

Used to be vampires were stylish and dangerous and romantic partly due to their rarity. These days, Children of the Night sightings are as frequent as 'Law & Order' reruns. More ubiquitous than Subway sandwich shops. And about as horrifying. Movies and television and magazines and commercials and straight-to-video DVDs and books and comic books and kids books and even Muppets, all vampirized. Only a matter of time before Fisher-Price comes out with a line of vampire mobiles to hang over cribs.

Bayou vampires and New York City vampires and Elvis Presley tribute artists and tiny vampires with thyroid imbalances wearing herringbone fezzes. Vampires fighting werewolves. Vampires befriending werewolves. Vampire cops and vampire legal department research assistants and vampire DPW dispatchers and vampire insurance adjusters. Admittedly, the latter smacks of redundancy.

Because of the proliferation of the walking undead to mainstream pervasiveness, these suburban mall vamps are consequently forced to raise the fantasy stakes to where the entire genre is tumbling into ridiculousness. Most frustrating is nobody plays by the rules anymore. Time- tested conventions are being discarded like blood ampoules at a neck biters winter solstice mortuary retreat.

Garlic is no big deal ... unless it is. They can run extremely fast. Except when they can't. Super human strength is at their command, sometimes. Silver, mirrors, daylight, holy water and wooden stakes: Take 'em or leave 'em. That's the problem with kids today. No respect for their elders. If it was good enough for Bram Stoker, it should be good enough for these libidinous meat puppets.

Today's Brand of Vamp: 'Eclipse'

You don't have to be Freud to get the repressed sexual desires theme. But wasn't it a lot more interesting when society was repressed and not flaunted by young starlets emerging from limos sans underwear? And what is it with the brooding? Yes, 'True Blood' Bill, we are talking to you. You're over one hundred years old. How much time to do you need to adjust to the agony of immortality? Stop it with the teenage angst and just smile for Sookie already.

And yes, yes, yesssssss. To be young is to identify with the alienation and the dressing all in black and the being pale and stuff. But the only thing less sexy than an ancient man caressing the carotid of a pubescent girl with his swollen incisors may be the prospect of she and he swapping denture cream. You think Anna Nicole Smith was creepy? Multiply her husband's age by eight or ten and try imagining that. Not enough Ambien to quell those nightmares. Makes 'Harold and Maude' seem the stuff of fairy tales.

And this anguishing over the weight of the eternal hunger is getting a bit old. You've had multiple centuries to come up with an efficient way to feed. You're not tormented, you're incompetent. You know, if Hollywood is really interested in a new way to make big bucks frightening America, they should greenlight a series of movies about the inner workings of Congress. Now, those soulless zombies are scary.

When Vamps Were VAMPS: Bela Lugosi in 1931's 'Dracula'

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst is "quite possible the best political satirist working in the country today," and the Chicago Tribune calls him a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter S. Thompson and Charles Osgood." Follow his blog on Red Room to find out about his upcoming stand-up and television performances, and to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing: Common Sense Rantings from a Raging Moderate."

Tags: true blood, twlight eclipse

Comments

(42)

Saturday 03 July

By A.D.

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Twilight and other asinine teen-centric vampire related books, movies and series are bringing down the whole genre.

Friday 02 July

By mw

So sick of all the twilight crap, enough already. Vampires, yeah right.

By Elvira

Who writes this drivel? If you're going to write about this stuff, you should actually know something about it.
For example, "True Blood" is bases on a series of books that have been out for about 10 years now. Remember Anne Rice and HER vampire books? Those are well older than 10 year.
None of this stuff is new unless you've been asleep in a grave some where.

By Raina J

Actually, I've been noticing a large number of vampire novels popping out of nowhere for the last couple of months at my local library and bookstore. In fact, I've never even herd of True Blood until the Twilight phenomenon but I digress...

To be honest, vampires are starting to loose their allure, and their image warped. What once used to be blood thirsty creatures are now sparkly, sex crazed, emo fairies, and the fans only make it worse. Have you ever tried to read a book while sitting next to a group of squealing Twilight fans? It's truly annoying.

By Rebecca

Raina, I'm sorry you haven't been paying attention or haven't been made aware, but just because you're not aware of its existence, does not in fact mean it does not exist. The Sookie Stackhouse series is a GREAT series and has in fact been around quite a few years now. And as for vampires "loosing" their appeal, it is "lose" and many would disagree with you, sorry. PS-Try not to read books in theaters with all those squealing Twlight fans, it's bad for your eyes, anyway!

By susan

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Yes, I remember Anne Rice. I really enjoyed her vampire stories. And I read all of Charlaine Harris's books long before they became "Trueblood". I really enjoyed her homey down south humor. Those books were good for a quick enjoyable read. "Trueblood", however is much more full of ugly violence, and sex and takes itself too seriously. Ms. Harris was laughing all the way through her books. Quite a difference.

By r

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how bout bram strokers dracula been around at least a hundred years, yawn its sooo old

By Allyson

Vampire Diaries came out in 1992 too

By jenjutz

Laurell K Hamilton started her Anita Blake series in 1993. Twilight is the copycat. akward female lead persued by super sexy vampire meets handsome werewolf. Love triangle ensues. Vampire counsel with super vamp powers tries to destroy them. No not twilight, Anita blake was there first.

By JBaer

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Vampires suck.

By Mike

I see what you did there.

By robin

HA HA!!

By erika

i miss the pirate phase and am still hooked on witches & wizards

By Missouri

When people stop watching these shows then they will go away but as long as they continue to make money they will continue to develop new ones. Look what happened with the reality show, now that is what I call TOO MANY. By the way, True Blood is a teriffic show with quality actors, writers, and producers who turn out an amazing show everytime.

"Trueblood" is the best of the lastest rash of vampire series on Tv and movies.I agree with you, but it misses the humor and down south feeling of Charlaine Harris's books. I am a season behind, I watch through Netflix, but I hear that this season it is even more violent and turbulant than last year, and I thought that whole bit with Maryanne was a bit much and too unlike the book.

Sunday 04 July

By reena

to Susan: I totally agree with you...I loved the books long before I even watched the HBO series - and the books are much more enjoyable by far, but I do like the series too. I do wish it were more true to the book though. I could read those books over and over! but yeah, the maied (sp?) Maryanne in the HBO series was a big turn off for me, I so wish they would have stayed more with the book story there.
and Twilight is for teenagers! I think the Sookie Stakehouse Southern Vampire Chronicles are much more entertaining and more for a mature following. btw...did you get the newest yet? (Dead in the Family) - I'm waiting for the paperback (it's a recession!) happy reading Susan!

By Herman

Only one good vampire character ever: Grandpa from the Munsters, played brilliantly by Al Lewis. That's what being a vampire should be.

By Susan

I have always liked vampire shows.Started when I was a kid watching "Dark Shawdows" but I choose specific ones to watch..I liked "Dark Knight" and I love "True Blood"..Never read or watched "Twilight" just seemed to be to youth orientated for my liking..

By mary

I also liked Dark Shadows when I was a kid. There can't be enough vamp shows! If anything I would say there are way too many reality shows, cop shows etc. We need to watch something that is out there just to keep the imagination in tune. Also, check out the Moonlight Series - it only lasted one season but it was good! I think my love of the supernatural shows started when we were kids watching Monster Movie Matinee on Saturday mornings.

By Steph

I like them all. It's just a persons opinion and how they want to portray the characters. I am a huge Twilight fan and Trueblood fan. My kids started watching Supernatural, like that too. I love the difference in each writers perspectives. If ya don't like it, don't watch them or read them!

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