What Jessica Simpson's New Beau Eric Johnson Can Learn From Her Exes

By Rebecca Macatee Posted Aug 8th 2010 04:00PM

Jessica Simpson is funny, down to earth and unarguably resilient. Whether she's laughing in the face of a fat joke or promoting her not-so-successful reality show, the girl always seems to bounce back.

But there's no denying J-Simp's been unlucky in love. The self-professed hopeless romantic notoriously remained a virgin until her marriage to Nick Lachey back in 2002. Most of us thought she'd found her prince charming in her 'Newlyweds' costar, but the fairy tale fizzled when they filed for divorce on Thanksgiving of 2005.

Ten years and countless boyfriends later, Jessica still seems to be a single gal searching for her storybook romance. This past weekend she tweeted a kissy-photo of herself and her promising new beau, Eric Johnson.

The Yale graduate, former NFL tight end and apparent big fan of Jessica reportedly canceled plans to enroll in a graduate business program at UPenn in order to stay closer to the singer in LA. And personally, I think Jessica's string of failed relationships isn't due to any fault of her own. Maybe Jessica's Ivy-league boy toy can learn from the mistakes of boyfriends past.

Eric Johnson, please take notes!

EX #1: Jensen Ackles

STORY: The 'Supernatural' stud briefly dated Jessica before mega-fame struck either of the Texas stars. She revealed on an early episode of 'Newlyweds' that Jensen cheated on her with none other than LeAnn Rimes.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Seriously, dude, keep it in your pants! Faithfulness is important, and judging by your academic record, you aspire to have somewhat of a respectable career in business. Breaking Jessica's heart will not only get you on my bad side, but your future Wharton classmates aren't going to be taking you too seriously when the whole world knows about your infidelity.

EX #2: Nick Lachey

STORY: The pop princess met the boy band frontman at The Hollywood Christmas Parade when she was 18. It was a match made in teeny bop heaven. At the age of 22, Jessica had the storybook wedding she'd been planning her entire life. The couple agreed to participate in their own reality show on MTV, and America fell in love with Jessica's hilarious naivety and Nick's playful disdain for her "childish" ways. Unfortunately we also caught glimpses of trouble in paradise, from Jessica's intrusive father to Nick's jealousy and dismissive attitude towards his wife's rise to super stardom. After months of cheating rumors, we were saddened but not shocked when the couple announced their split.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Jessica doesn't take herself too seriously, and neither should you. If you can't laugh at her silly antics and occasional, "blonde moments," things are going to be rough. And, Eric, if at all possible, stay in Papa Joe's good graces. Just be careful not to let him get too involved in your relationship with Jessica. He should not -- I repeat, NOT -- know any details of your sex life.

EX #3: John Mayer

STORY: This unlikely duo met at a record label party, where the self-assured badboy took a liking to the sweet, southern charmer. They gallivanted across Italy and despite public skepticism, seemed pretty smitten with one another. Rumor has it John dumped Jessica because she wasn't intellectual enough for him. Unfortunately, John went on to kiss and and tell post-breakup, comparing sex with Jessica to, "crack cocaine" and "sexual napalm in bed."

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: First and most importantly, BE A GENTLEMAN! What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. Even if Miss Jessica really is a freak in the sheets, she is a lady in the streets and you'd best respect her as such. And once again, lighten up! You might be an Academic mastermind, and Jessica is a smart woman, but let's face it, the girl can be silly. Accept and embrace this as an endearing and fun part of her personality.

EX #4: Tony Romo

STORY: Ah, Tony, I really thought you were the one. The Dallas Cowboys quarterback met Jessica through her father, and at first they seemed to be Texas' golden couple. Unfortunately football fans made Jessica somewhat of a scapegoat for the Cowboys losing streak. Despite this, Jessica seemed head over heels and wedding rumors even flourished. But Tony dumped Jessica on her 29th birthday and quickly moved on to date Miss Missouri, Chace Crawford's kid sister who bore an uncanny resemblance to Jessica.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Realize what a great girl you've got there, buddy. I don't care if you have a multi-million dollar a year paycheck and think hot blonde chicks are disposable. Jessica's a genuine, talented girl of substance and heart. Respect her and realize you're one damn lucky man to be with such a sweetheart.

EX #5: Billy Corgan

STORY: I'm hesitant to use Jessica's "relationship" with the Smashing Pumpkins' singer as a teachable moment, because I'm not totally convinced they were anything more than good friends. What I will say is Billy is a highly respected musician and showed nothing but that respect towards Simpson and her abilities. And although the two ended up as just "good friends," we got a refreshing glimpse of a bonafide rock star who's surprisingly also a really good guy.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Don't be a jerk. Don't think you're high and mighty because you scored the game-winning touchdown catch in the 1999 Harvard-Yale game and you used to play for the NFL. A healthy relationship is all about being a team player (something I hope you are a pro at). You and Jessica are partners, and you need to play fair and on an even field.

OK, Eric, go forth in your relationship with this knowledge. You're very welcome for these words of wisdom. If you take my advice and everything plays out as I hope, I fully expect an invitation to the Simpson/Johnson nuptials in the near future.

Tags: billy corgan, eric johnson, jensen ackles, jessica simpson, john mayer, nick lachey, tony romo

Comments

(75)

Sunday 08 August

By Mike

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Not too fussy, is she? From what I hear, Johnson is taking her for a ride.

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story!! I hope he is with her for the right reasons. I think anyone would be skeptical when he is just newly separated and is going through a divorce. I don't know many men who can jump into a new relationship so quickly. He is LIVING WITH HER NOW TOO!! Protect your hea

Monday 09 August

By Justme

And i wonder who you heard that from? A reputable sorce no doubt. Bitter butt heads i swear.

By greg

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Like wow, this is a very sexist article. I didnt realize that Jessica walked on water and that it was all the men's fault.

By halfmoon

How in the hell would you know what Eric (x-49er) Johnson is doing with Jessica..Do you have a direct contact with Eric? Do you have a unusual hook-up with the NFL? Do you fantasize frequenly? Mr.Johnson does not even know you !
Get a life and drift back into reality bubba!

By RAS

Why is she still news worthy?. She is not a bad person but was never very talented. Find another career Jess and stop being so desperate .

By veronica

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Exactly. She's NOT newsworthy. Just another stupid, Hollywood bimbo, that the website has to write about because she got herself another boyfriend. Who the hell cares? Hooks herself up with the entire NFL, and they're all waiting in line to share Jess sex stories in the locker room. That's the only thing that's going on with those "relationships".

By Tiff

Love Jessica and this was a great story!! I hope he is with her for the right reasons. I think anyone would be skeptical when he is just newly separated and is going through a divorce. I don't know many men who can jump into a new relationship so quickly. He is LIVING WITH HER NOW TOO!! Protect your heart, Jess!

By K

Ok, this is a woman who didnt know Chicken of the sea was Tuna.... she thought it was chicken when she was eating it, not to bright. She seems like are airhead.

By ed

I thought it was chicken also otherwise i would not have eaten it

By bobi

I like Jessica Simpson. I think she's one fine sexy looking babe. She may not have been the smartest student, but she's smart enough for me. I wiah her well with this new guy. Love Ya Jessica.

By Mike Q

Does she know what guys also refer to as tuna? The reason is because at times it smells like tuna. Think she knows? She sure messed up when she left Nick. He was a very decent guy that it seemed he really cared for her.

By Malone

@K: " .... she thought it was chicken when she was eating it, not to bright. She seems like are airhead. "

If you are going to question one's intelligence in writing, you should begin by spelling correctly. (Should be "too bright".)

By Shannon

but the fairy tale fizzled when they filed for divorce on Thanksgiving of 2005.

Ten years and countless boyfriends later,

LOL, I didn't know we were in the year 2015, where did the time fly? hehe!

By Sue

Shannon they started with her 1st Boyfriend which was about the year 2000. 10 YRS.

By joeswatzell

Shannon, I had the same thought.
Sue, the article i read said nothing about 2000 or a first biyfriend. It said....
"The self-professed hopeless romantic notoriously remained a virgin until her marriage to Nick Lachey back in 2002. Most of us thought she'd found her prince charming in her 'Newlyweds' costar, but the fairy tale fizzled when they filed for divorce on Thanksgiving of 2005."

That would either be 8 or 5 but not 10. Who wrote this? Her sister?

By Kathy

Does she plan to go through the entire NFL??

By fiona

Apparently so. After all, what kind of man would be good enough for such a talented and natural beauty other than a big, strong football player or a hunky show-biz type? Uh-huh. I'm betting she won't do a guy with a higher IQ than hers.

By JORGE

What...Are you envious of her because you can't?

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