What Jessica Simpson's New Beau Eric Johnson Can Learn From Her Exes

By Rebecca Macatee Posted Aug 8th 2010 04:00PM

Jessica Simpson is funny, down to earth and unarguably resilient. Whether she's laughing in the face of a fat joke or promoting her not-so-successful reality show, the girl always seems to bounce back.

But there's no denying J-Simp's been unlucky in love. The self-professed hopeless romantic notoriously remained a virgin until her marriage to Nick Lachey back in 2002. Most of us thought she'd found her prince charming in her 'Newlyweds' costar, but the fairy tale fizzled when they filed for divorce on Thanksgiving of 2005.

Ten years and countless boyfriends later, Jessica still seems to be a single gal searching for her storybook romance. This past weekend she tweeted a kissy-photo of herself and her promising new beau, Eric Johnson.

The Yale graduate, former NFL tight end and apparent big fan of Jessica reportedly canceled plans to enroll in a graduate business program at UPenn in order to stay closer to the singer in LA. And personally, I think Jessica's string of failed relationships isn't due to any fault of her own. Maybe Jessica's Ivy-league boy toy can learn from the mistakes of boyfriends past.

Eric Johnson, please take notes!

EX #1: Jensen Ackles

STORY: The 'Supernatural' stud briefly dated Jessica before mega-fame struck either of the Texas stars. She revealed on an early episode of 'Newlyweds' that Jensen cheated on her with none other than LeAnn Rimes.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Seriously, dude, keep it in your pants! Faithfulness is important, and judging by your academic record, you aspire to have somewhat of a respectable career in business. Breaking Jessica's heart will not only get you on my bad side, but your future Wharton classmates aren't going to be taking you too seriously when the whole world knows about your infidelity.

EX #2: Nick Lachey

STORY: The pop princess met the boy band frontman at The Hollywood Christmas Parade when she was 18. It was a match made in teeny bop heaven. At the age of 22, Jessica had the storybook wedding she'd been planning her entire life. The couple agreed to participate in their own reality show on MTV, and America fell in love with Jessica's hilarious naivety and Nick's playful disdain for her "childish" ways. Unfortunately we also caught glimpses of trouble in paradise, from Jessica's intrusive father to Nick's jealousy and dismissive attitude towards his wife's rise to super stardom. After months of cheating rumors, we were saddened but not shocked when the couple announced their split.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Jessica doesn't take herself too seriously, and neither should you. If you can't laugh at her silly antics and occasional, "blonde moments," things are going to be rough. And, Eric, if at all possible, stay in Papa Joe's good graces. Just be careful not to let him get too involved in your relationship with Jessica. He should not -- I repeat, NOT -- know any details of your sex life.

EX #3: John Mayer

STORY: This unlikely duo met at a record label party, where the self-assured badboy took a liking to the sweet, southern charmer. They gallivanted across Italy and despite public skepticism, seemed pretty smitten with one another. Rumor has it John dumped Jessica because she wasn't intellectual enough for him. Unfortunately, John went on to kiss and and tell post-breakup, comparing sex with Jessica to, "crack cocaine" and "sexual napalm in bed."

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: First and most importantly, BE A GENTLEMAN! What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. Even if Miss Jessica really is a freak in the sheets, she is a lady in the streets and you'd best respect her as such. And once again, lighten up! You might be an Academic mastermind, and Jessica is a smart woman, but let's face it, the girl can be silly. Accept and embrace this as an endearing and fun part of her personality.

EX #4: Tony Romo

STORY: Ah, Tony, I really thought you were the one. The Dallas Cowboys quarterback met Jessica through her father, and at first they seemed to be Texas' golden couple. Unfortunately football fans made Jessica somewhat of a scapegoat for the Cowboys losing streak. Despite this, Jessica seemed head over heels and wedding rumors even flourished. But Tony dumped Jessica on her 29th birthday and quickly moved on to date Miss Missouri, Chace Crawford's kid sister who bore an uncanny resemblance to Jessica.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Realize what a great girl you've got there, buddy. I don't care if you have a multi-million dollar a year paycheck and think hot blonde chicks are disposable. Jessica's a genuine, talented girl of substance and heart. Respect her and realize you're one damn lucky man to be with such a sweetheart.

EX #5: Billy Corgan

STORY: I'm hesitant to use Jessica's "relationship" with the Smashing Pumpkins' singer as a teachable moment, because I'm not totally convinced they were anything more than good friends. What I will say is Billy is a highly respected musician and showed nothing but that respect towards Simpson and her abilities. And although the two ended up as just "good friends," we got a refreshing glimpse of a bonafide rock star who's surprisingly also a really good guy.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Don't be a jerk. Don't think you're high and mighty because you scored the game-winning touchdown catch in the 1999 Harvard-Yale game and you used to play for the NFL. A healthy relationship is all about being a team player (something I hope you are a pro at). You and Jessica are partners, and you need to play fair and on an even field.

OK, Eric, go forth in your relationship with this knowledge. You're very welcome for these words of wisdom. If you take my advice and everything plays out as I hope, I fully expect an invitation to the Simpson/Johnson nuptials in the near future.

Tags: billy corgan, eric johnson, jensen ackles, jessica simpson, john mayer, nick lachey, tony romo

Comments

(75)

Sunday 08 August

By stacey

Highest Rank Vote down Vote up Report this

Jessica had here chance with Nick and SHE blew it. SHE let her dad and fame get in the way. Did they both have problems? Yes, but they could have worked on it had Jessica had the maturity to tell her dad to butt out. Nick waited for her until they got married. How many men out there are willing to do that?! Very few! Nick was willing to put up with her family, her blonde moments, and her needyness. Good luck finding someone else who can do that. I have a feeling this will end badly just like all the other ones. Jessica, your a beautiful women. Tell your dad to back off and try standing on your own two feet.

Monday 09 August

By Fran

"Nick was willing to put up with her family, her blonde moments, and her needyness. Good luck finding someone else who can do that."
I certainly hope that she (and every other person out there) can find someone who will do more than "put up" with her family, blond moments and so on.... I would rather have someone love me FOR my quirks, not IN SPITE of them

By Bonnie

Vote down Vote up Report this

Well said Stacey!!

By Sally

The most glaringly obvious thing he could learn from her past relationships is what everyone else has already learned, namely, that her emotional growth and maturity is stuck at about 14.

She could grow out of it someday. I hope she does but right now, she acts like a high school freshman who can't bear to be without a boyfriend - any boyfriend at all, for more than a few days and who doesn't have a clue how to have an adult relationship with one when she gets one.

Lotsa sex doesn't mean it is an adult relationship. It just means she keeps hooking up with guys who want to get laid with a 'nice girl' without having to put in much effort or feel bad walking away.

Saturday 14 August

By Nicole

Boyfriend sounds like what they used to call a gigolo back in the day. He's out of cash, out of work, and now that he's skipped out on grad school, out of any future career plans. Seems to be living pretty well these days, though. Food for thought, Jess.

By Apostate

Dispense with this star-struck loser already and call The Apostate,Jess. You already have a pretty good idea how this is going to end,so why delay the inevitable? My Droid phone and I await your summons...

By Mark

She has no talent. What is she in the news for? Oh for having a new boyfriend. That's reidiculous. It's time to stop this. People in the news just because they are white and dye their hair blond. Everything she attemp bomb and it look like she has pick up another man that is loser. They must hope to get a reality show. Such a waste.

By Loula

Why are people so gullible with this chick? She puts on the sweet act in front of the cameras. But there have been numerous stories of how arrogant and rude she is to fans when the cameras aren't rolling. The fame changed her for the worse.

By paddles0626

She dated Jensen Ackles, too? Man, I thought she got lucky with John Mayer. Damn. Two of the hottest men in Hollywood right there. *Drools*

By Kristi

She didn't. This article is a joke.

By tammy c

Don't listen to Kristi! Because Jessica did date Jensen, it was back when he was on Days of Our Lives and she admitted it herself on Newlyweds! I guess Kristi believes that Jessica lied about the whole relationship because it did happen and everyone knows that.

By Tess

She didn't date him and she never said that on her show. It was her friend Cacee who dated him, and Cacee says it on the show, NOT Jessica, that he dumped her for Leann Rimes.

By StarsWish

High Rank Vote down Vote up Report this

Who writes these articles?? If she has been divorced for 5 yrs why does the writer state, "ten years and countless boyfriends later.....".

By Trish

People kill me. Nobody know's a thing about what goes on behind closed doors. I will say,any woman with respect for herself should steer clear of John Mayer. What a garden tool that guy is...geez!

By David George

Jessica is a weirdo. You realize she wanted Tony Romo to dress up as Ken for a Barbie and Ken themed birthday party. Maybe Jessica is the one that has a few lessons to learn. Such as: The world doesn't revolve around you. Put your father in his place; you're a grown woman, start behaving like one. Men aren't toys; let them have a little dignity. Stop dating musicians; it always has been and always will be a mistake.

Why does this article make it seem like the guy's fault that Jess is unlucky in love? With the exception of Jensen Ackles, (which was also partially her fault for not putting out at the time pretty funny now that John Mayer pretty much called her a sex fiend)she's part to blame as well. Maybe someone needs to evaulate what SHE'S doing wrong.

She was never with Jensen. This article is retarded.

By recarn8

Why would anyone want to date such a needy, clingy chick that has her daddy in everything she does?

The thing with Jensen Ackles was 10 years ago. That's the time they are starting from

By Rene

What they all can learn is that, unfortunately, Jessica continues to allow her father to have too much influence over her life!!!

When she does finally decide to cut the strings, then she will have a real shot at happiness.

Page 2 of 4