What Jessica Simpson's New Beau Eric Johnson Can Learn From Her Exes

By Rebecca Macatee Posted Aug 8th 2010 04:00PM

Jessica Simpson is funny, down to earth and unarguably resilient. Whether she's laughing in the face of a fat joke or promoting her not-so-successful reality show, the girl always seems to bounce back.

But there's no denying J-Simp's been unlucky in love. The self-professed hopeless romantic notoriously remained a virgin until her marriage to Nick Lachey back in 2002. Most of us thought she'd found her prince charming in her 'Newlyweds' costar, but the fairy tale fizzled when they filed for divorce on Thanksgiving of 2005.

Ten years and countless boyfriends later, Jessica still seems to be a single gal searching for her storybook romance. This past weekend she tweeted a kissy-photo of herself and her promising new beau, Eric Johnson.

The Yale graduate, former NFL tight end and apparent big fan of Jessica reportedly canceled plans to enroll in a graduate business program at UPenn in order to stay closer to the singer in LA. And personally, I think Jessica's string of failed relationships isn't due to any fault of her own. Maybe Jessica's Ivy-league boy toy can learn from the mistakes of boyfriends past.

Eric Johnson, please take notes!

EX #1: Jensen Ackles

STORY: The 'Supernatural' stud briefly dated Jessica before mega-fame struck either of the Texas stars. She revealed on an early episode of 'Newlyweds' that Jensen cheated on her with none other than LeAnn Rimes.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Seriously, dude, keep it in your pants! Faithfulness is important, and judging by your academic record, you aspire to have somewhat of a respectable career in business. Breaking Jessica's heart will not only get you on my bad side, but your future Wharton classmates aren't going to be taking you too seriously when the whole world knows about your infidelity.

EX #2: Nick Lachey

STORY: The pop princess met the boy band frontman at The Hollywood Christmas Parade when she was 18. It was a match made in teeny bop heaven. At the age of 22, Jessica had the storybook wedding she'd been planning her entire life. The couple agreed to participate in their own reality show on MTV, and America fell in love with Jessica's hilarious naivety and Nick's playful disdain for her "childish" ways. Unfortunately we also caught glimpses of trouble in paradise, from Jessica's intrusive father to Nick's jealousy and dismissive attitude towards his wife's rise to super stardom. After months of cheating rumors, we were saddened but not shocked when the couple announced their split.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Jessica doesn't take herself too seriously, and neither should you. If you can't laugh at her silly antics and occasional, "blonde moments," things are going to be rough. And, Eric, if at all possible, stay in Papa Joe's good graces. Just be careful not to let him get too involved in your relationship with Jessica. He should not -- I repeat, NOT -- know any details of your sex life.

EX #3: John Mayer

STORY: This unlikely duo met at a record label party, where the self-assured badboy took a liking to the sweet, southern charmer. They gallivanted across Italy and despite public skepticism, seemed pretty smitten with one another. Rumor has it John dumped Jessica because she wasn't intellectual enough for him. Unfortunately, John went on to kiss and and tell post-breakup, comparing sex with Jessica to, "crack cocaine" and "sexual napalm in bed."

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: First and most importantly, BE A GENTLEMAN! What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. Even if Miss Jessica really is a freak in the sheets, she is a lady in the streets and you'd best respect her as such. And once again, lighten up! You might be an Academic mastermind, and Jessica is a smart woman, but let's face it, the girl can be silly. Accept and embrace this as an endearing and fun part of her personality.

EX #4: Tony Romo

STORY: Ah, Tony, I really thought you were the one. The Dallas Cowboys quarterback met Jessica through her father, and at first they seemed to be Texas' golden couple. Unfortunately football fans made Jessica somewhat of a scapegoat for the Cowboys losing streak. Despite this, Jessica seemed head over heels and wedding rumors even flourished. But Tony dumped Jessica on her 29th birthday and quickly moved on to date Miss Missouri, Chace Crawford's kid sister who bore an uncanny resemblance to Jessica.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Realize what a great girl you've got there, buddy. I don't care if you have a multi-million dollar a year paycheck and think hot blonde chicks are disposable. Jessica's a genuine, talented girl of substance and heart. Respect her and realize you're one damn lucky man to be with such a sweetheart.

EX #5: Billy Corgan

STORY: I'm hesitant to use Jessica's "relationship" with the Smashing Pumpkins' singer as a teachable moment, because I'm not totally convinced they were anything more than good friends. What I will say is Billy is a highly respected musician and showed nothing but that respect towards Simpson and her abilities. And although the two ended up as just "good friends," we got a refreshing glimpse of a bonafide rock star who's surprisingly also a really good guy.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Don't be a jerk. Don't think you're high and mighty because you scored the game-winning touchdown catch in the 1999 Harvard-Yale game and you used to play for the NFL. A healthy relationship is all about being a team player (something I hope you are a pro at). You and Jessica are partners, and you need to play fair and on an even field.

OK, Eric, go forth in your relationship with this knowledge. You're very welcome for these words of wisdom. If you take my advice and everything plays out as I hope, I fully expect an invitation to the Simpson/Johnson nuptials in the near future.

Tags: billy corgan, eric johnson, jensen ackles, jessica simpson, john mayer, nick lachey, tony romo

Comments

(75)

Monday 09 August

By MRSKI

Vote down Vote up Report this

the only reason she may be unlucky in love is beacuse she never hooked up with me,, shed be too busy tryn to keep me off of her to worry about anyone else,,,and that goes for beata too....:-p

By Waleska

High Rank Vote down Vote up Report this

I love how they are being sweet to Jessica instead of cutting her down. It seems everyone isnt entertained unless its hurting someone.

By volksrodrkt

I saw her play a bar maid in the dukes of hazzard movie and other than that I saw something on AOL where she had gotten really heavy and she looked about 20 or 30 pounds heavier than in the movie I saw her in.....other than that I dont know who she is.....5 x boyfriends?Man,she sure gets around doesnt she?Dudes,you cant be first,but it looks like you sure as hell can be next.

By Brenda

Jessica and Lacey made a nice couple. Too bad it didn't work out.

By Chuck

Only one lesson must be learned, not 10. Papa Simpson is the third person in that relationship. HE deicded what and who and where. Prepare to be #3, if not lower on the totem pole.

By brooks

speaking of a ride....well that sounds awesome to me i think i'll find my whip

By Sharon

I just hope Jessica protects both her heart and her money. It must be difficult--always having to wonder why these guys are chasing you. Wondering if he was still married when he decided to chase after Jessica?

By Campbell Hayden

It is very difficult to find ANYONE who is truly and thoroughly talented, can hit the ground and already be good enough to be running, and have that kind of status. In JS we have neither, nor, have we ever had. She is not alone by any stretch just because the media finds it to their liking to consider themselves the judges of who is good and who is not. Half of the 'stars' out there who the media consider of any substance and/or consequence whatsoever are merely untalented junk who amount to absolutely nothing but to fill everything from tabloids to the most worthless of TV programs.

By Kristi

Get your facts straight. She never dated Jensen Ackles, that was only rumor. He was never romantically linked to Leann Rimes either. That was also rumors.

By Eirodann

Maybe if Jessica didn't seem so desperate her relationships would last longer. From the outside, it looks like she transforms herself into whatever she thinks the man wants (the dark hair and hippy duds when she was with Mayer, the Dallas cowboys gear and "country girl" attire with Romo, etc.). Maybe if she were happier with herself (and her father were less involved in her life - Note to Papa Joe: unless she's mentally deficient, she's an adult and doesn't need you butting in.), she wouldn't need to change to please anyone - they would be happy with her the way she is.

By Observer 101

I think she is ADORABLE. No matter what......

By MAUREEN

jessica has had many, many more men in her bed than only those named above....who is writing this crap? papa joe??
wheras nick has been with only one girl since they broke up...tells u something.....doesn't it....

By Andrea

Can we please leave this poor girl alone!! She has taken so much crap from the press. If I were her I'd be having a breakdown by now! She's beautiful, sweet and funny and she's clearly being used by the wrong types of guys. I wish I could just sit her down and tell her she's worthy of a good man!

By tim

Ok, i believe he's into her for the sex, i mean who wouldn't be. If he thinks there's something more there, other than the celebrity lifestyle and sexual napalm, he's an idiot. So ride the train, Eric!.....or should i say, let her ride you. ;))

By Anderson

Poor Jessica. . It has been written that she is a very shy person with very low self esteem and very immature for her age .So what she percieves as love is just somebody to hang out with , party with and have lots of sex with . She doesn't know what love is yet . But she will get there someday ..

By Erin

I have to seriously discredit ANYONE who writes a story this long about Jessica Simpson, but to call her talented!! This writer needs to get a grip! She maybe a sweet and very pretty girl, but talented.....sorry but no!

By Barbara PA

Jessica has gone from man to man searching for something.But she's too immature to know what she's searching for .And I don't think she will find what she's looking for with these jocks and celebrities.

By tammy c

Why are you in denial about it? They did date, Jessica admitted it herself. Are you saying Jessica lied about the relationship when she was on Newlyweds because that's where she admitted it to it.

By abeth118

I just don't understand why any of this is news? Jessica's dad needs to leave her alone and butt out of her life. Obviously with all his interference, she has not faired well. I guess she hasn't matured enough to live her own life and NOT the life of her father and his fixing her up with some of these guys. She'll go from man to man to man for the rest of her life and I guess we'll be hearing about that as well.
GET A GRIP, JESSICA AND GET YOUR OWN LIFE.

By gigsville

Single male seeks Jessica Simpson-like beauty who possesses a keen interest in astrophysics, 19th cent. literature, geopolitics, renaissance art and is sexual napalm in the bedroom. Must like dogs and not be a figment of my imagination.

Page 3 of 4