What Jessica Simpson's New Beau Eric Johnson Can Learn From Her Exes
By Rebecca Macatee Posted Aug 8th 2010 04:00PM
But there's no denying J-Simp's been unlucky in love. The self-professed hopeless romantic notoriously remained a virgin until her marriage to Nick Lachey back in 2002. Most of us thought she'd found her prince charming in her 'Newlyweds' costar, but the fairy tale fizzled when they filed for divorce on Thanksgiving of 2005.
Ten years and countless boyfriends later, Jessica still seems to be a single gal searching for her storybook romance. This past weekend she tweeted a kissy-photo of herself and her promising new beau, Eric Johnson.
The Yale graduate, former NFL tight end and apparent big fan of Jessica reportedly canceled plans to enroll in a graduate business program at UPenn in order to stay closer to the singer in LA. And personally, I think Jessica's string of failed relationships isn't due to any fault of her own. Maybe Jessica's Ivy-league boy toy can learn from the mistakes of boyfriends past.
Eric Johnson, please take notes!
EX #1: Jensen Ackles
STORY: The 'Supernatural' stud briefly dated Jessica before mega-fame struck either of the Texas stars. She revealed on an early episode of 'Newlyweds' that Jensen cheated on her with none other than LeAnn Rimes.
WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Seriously, dude, keep it in your pants! Faithfulness is important, and judging by your academic record, you aspire to have somewhat of a respectable career in business. Breaking Jessica's heart will not only get you on my bad side, but your future Wharton classmates aren't going to be taking you too seriously when the whole world knows about your infidelity.
EX #2: Nick Lachey
STORY: The pop princess met the boy band frontman at The Hollywood Christmas Parade when she was 18. It was a match made in teeny bop heaven. At the age of 22, Jessica had the storybook wedding she'd been planning her entire life. The couple agreed to participate in their own reality show on MTV, and America fell in love with Jessica's hilarious naivety and Nick's playful disdain for her "childish" ways. Unfortunately we also caught glimpses of trouble in paradise, from Jessica's intrusive father to Nick's jealousy and dismissive attitude towards his wife's rise to super stardom. After months of cheating rumors, we were saddened but not shocked when the couple announced their split.
WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Jessica doesn't take herself too seriously, and neither should you. If you can't laugh at her silly antics and occasional, "blonde moments," things are going to be rough. And, Eric, if at all possible, stay in Papa Joe's good graces. Just be careful not to let him get too involved in your relationship with Jessica. He should not -- I repeat, NOT -- know any details of your sex life.
EX #3: John Mayer
STORY: This unlikely duo met at a record label party, where the self-assured badboy took a liking to the sweet, southern charmer. They gallivanted across Italy and despite public skepticism, seemed pretty smitten with one another. Rumor has it John dumped Jessica because she wasn't intellectual enough for him. Unfortunately, John went on to kiss and and tell post-breakup, comparing sex with Jessica to, "crack cocaine" and "sexual napalm in bed."
WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: First and most importantly, BE A GENTLEMAN! What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. Even if Miss Jessica really is a freak in the sheets, she is a lady in the streets and you'd best respect her as such. And once again, lighten up! You might be an Academic mastermind, and Jessica is a smart woman, but let's face it, the girl can be silly. Accept and embrace this as an endearing and fun part of her personality.
EX #4: Tony Romo
STORY: Ah, Tony, I really thought you were the one. The Dallas Cowboys quarterback met Jessica through her father, and at first they seemed to be Texas' golden couple. Unfortunately football fans made Jessica somewhat of a scapegoat for the Cowboys losing streak. Despite this, Jessica seemed head over heels and wedding rumors even flourished. But Tony dumped Jessica on her 29th birthday and quickly moved on to date Miss Missouri, Chace Crawford's kid sister who bore an uncanny resemblance to Jessica.
WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Realize what a great girl you've got there, buddy. I don't care if you have a multi-million dollar a year paycheck and think hot blonde chicks are disposable. Jessica's a genuine, talented girl of substance and heart. Respect her and realize you're one damn lucky man to be with such a sweetheart.
EX #5: Billy Corgan
STORY: I'm hesitant to use Jessica's "relationship" with the Smashing Pumpkins' singer as a teachable moment, because I'm not totally convinced they were anything more than good friends. What I will say is Billy is a highly respected musician and showed nothing but that respect towards Simpson and her abilities. And although the two ended up as just "good friends," we got a refreshing glimpse of a bonafide rock star who's surprisingly also a really good guy.
WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Don't be a jerk. Don't think you're high and mighty because you scored the game-winning touchdown catch in the 1999 Harvard-Yale game and you used to play for the NFL. A healthy relationship is all about being a team player (something I hope you are a pro at). You and Jessica are partners, and you need to play fair and on an even field.
OK, Eric, go forth in your relationship with this knowledge. You're very welcome for these words of wisdom. If you take my advice and everything plays out as I hope, I fully expect an invitation to the Simpson/Johnson nuptials in the near future.
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