What Jessica Simpson's New Beau Eric Johnson Can Learn From Her Exes

By Rebecca Macatee Posted Aug 8th 2010 04:00PM

Jessica Simpson is funny, down to earth and unarguably resilient. Whether she's laughing in the face of a fat joke or promoting her not-so-successful reality show, the girl always seems to bounce back.

But there's no denying J-Simp's been unlucky in love. The self-professed hopeless romantic notoriously remained a virgin until her marriage to Nick Lachey back in 2002. Most of us thought she'd found her prince charming in her 'Newlyweds' costar, but the fairy tale fizzled when they filed for divorce on Thanksgiving of 2005.

Ten years and countless boyfriends later, Jessica still seems to be a single gal searching for her storybook romance. This past weekend she tweeted a kissy-photo of herself and her promising new beau, Eric Johnson.

The Yale graduate, former NFL tight end and apparent big fan of Jessica reportedly canceled plans to enroll in a graduate business program at UPenn in order to stay closer to the singer in LA. And personally, I think Jessica's string of failed relationships isn't due to any fault of her own. Maybe Jessica's Ivy-league boy toy can learn from the mistakes of boyfriends past.

Eric Johnson, please take notes!

EX #1: Jensen Ackles

STORY: The 'Supernatural' stud briefly dated Jessica before mega-fame struck either of the Texas stars. She revealed on an early episode of 'Newlyweds' that Jensen cheated on her with none other than LeAnn Rimes.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Seriously, dude, keep it in your pants! Faithfulness is important, and judging by your academic record, you aspire to have somewhat of a respectable career in business. Breaking Jessica's heart will not only get you on my bad side, but your future Wharton classmates aren't going to be taking you too seriously when the whole world knows about your infidelity.

EX #2: Nick Lachey

STORY: The pop princess met the boy band frontman at The Hollywood Christmas Parade when she was 18. It was a match made in teeny bop heaven. At the age of 22, Jessica had the storybook wedding she'd been planning her entire life. The couple agreed to participate in their own reality show on MTV, and America fell in love with Jessica's hilarious naivety and Nick's playful disdain for her "childish" ways. Unfortunately we also caught glimpses of trouble in paradise, from Jessica's intrusive father to Nick's jealousy and dismissive attitude towards his wife's rise to super stardom. After months of cheating rumors, we were saddened but not shocked when the couple announced their split.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Jessica doesn't take herself too seriously, and neither should you. If you can't laugh at her silly antics and occasional, "blonde moments," things are going to be rough. And, Eric, if at all possible, stay in Papa Joe's good graces. Just be careful not to let him get too involved in your relationship with Jessica. He should not -- I repeat, NOT -- know any details of your sex life.

EX #3: John Mayer

STORY: This unlikely duo met at a record label party, where the self-assured badboy took a liking to the sweet, southern charmer. They gallivanted across Italy and despite public skepticism, seemed pretty smitten with one another. Rumor has it John dumped Jessica because she wasn't intellectual enough for him. Unfortunately, John went on to kiss and and tell post-breakup, comparing sex with Jessica to, "crack cocaine" and "sexual napalm in bed."

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: First and most importantly, BE A GENTLEMAN! What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. Even if Miss Jessica really is a freak in the sheets, she is a lady in the streets and you'd best respect her as such. And once again, lighten up! You might be an Academic mastermind, and Jessica is a smart woman, but let's face it, the girl can be silly. Accept and embrace this as an endearing and fun part of her personality.

EX #4: Tony Romo

STORY: Ah, Tony, I really thought you were the one. The Dallas Cowboys quarterback met Jessica through her father, and at first they seemed to be Texas' golden couple. Unfortunately football fans made Jessica somewhat of a scapegoat for the Cowboys losing streak. Despite this, Jessica seemed head over heels and wedding rumors even flourished. But Tony dumped Jessica on her 29th birthday and quickly moved on to date Miss Missouri, Chace Crawford's kid sister who bore an uncanny resemblance to Jessica.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Realize what a great girl you've got there, buddy. I don't care if you have a multi-million dollar a year paycheck and think hot blonde chicks are disposable. Jessica's a genuine, talented girl of substance and heart. Respect her and realize you're one damn lucky man to be with such a sweetheart.

EX #5: Billy Corgan

STORY: I'm hesitant to use Jessica's "relationship" with the Smashing Pumpkins' singer as a teachable moment, because I'm not totally convinced they were anything more than good friends. What I will say is Billy is a highly respected musician and showed nothing but that respect towards Simpson and her abilities. And although the two ended up as just "good friends," we got a refreshing glimpse of a bonafide rock star who's surprisingly also a really good guy.

WHAT ERIC CAN LEARN: Don't be a jerk. Don't think you're high and mighty because you scored the game-winning touchdown catch in the 1999 Harvard-Yale game and you used to play for the NFL. A healthy relationship is all about being a team player (something I hope you are a pro at). You and Jessica are partners, and you need to play fair and on an even field.

OK, Eric, go forth in your relationship with this knowledge. You're very welcome for these words of wisdom. If you take my advice and everything plays out as I hope, I fully expect an invitation to the Simpson/Johnson nuptials in the near future.

Tags: billy corgan, eric johnson, jensen ackles, jessica simpson, john mayer, nick lachey, tony romo

Comments

(75)

Monday 09 August

By ron

Vote down Vote up Report this

my x was too smart for me so she left her daughter and me for, first guy, child molester, second guy alchol rehaber, oh brother, boy did she do me a favor, shes not doin my daughter one

By ed baggett

Jessica was a virgin till when ? She must be the town skank these days !

By Cj

I think they eventually find her an air head that she is and does anything to promote herself and get her in the tabloids, seriously has she ever cut the cord from her father?

By BIG D

daisy duke made me excited. Then one day at a cowboys game I met her sister and related with both of them.

By BigMooseMan

Maybe the chick that wrote this should date Jessica. She sounds like she is in love with her!

By hawk6148

why dont she just go to hefs place and be a playmat sence she likes to get around.

Tuesday 10 August

By Joe H

Who wrote this stupid narrative.? Jessica Simpson is a no talent girl with no substance looking to latch onto somebody to take care of her.Not to mention that she will gain loads of weight if she ever has a kid.Pray tell me, what is Simpsone's talent and where has she been successful outside of just making herself famous.Paris Hilton all over again.

By sugahnans024

Jessica is nothing but a skank! Soooo Glad Tony Romo came to his senses!

By ItGirl

Ok Rebecca (author of this article)you are obviously harboring a serious girl crush on Jessica. She seems like a nice girl and all but gimme a break. These dudes are dating her because she is pretty and probably loads of fun, but she is a freaking moron so at some point she loses her appeal. In any relationship we all bring something to the table. You were not involved in any of her relationships so to make a bold statement that she had nothing to do with any of the breakups is totally bias and just poor journalism. The concept of this article, however was really cute.

By Lisa

Nicely written article. For those that are jealous, the truth hurts, doesn't it? :)

By Donald R. Mack

I think Jessica tends to pick out nerds too often, with Nick Lachey the biggest exception. John Mayer claims she wasn't intellectual enough for him; truth be told, some of his songs are flat out boring saying the same words over and over, saying the same words over and over, saying the same words over ......
Tony Romo is King of the Nerds. He dumps her on her birthday? What a douche bag he is. He can't play under pressure because he has no balls. Every year in the playoffs he stinks it up.

I wish I could date her. I'd do my very best to try and make her happy.

By volchkov

Considering all the men she's been with, wouldn't the most important lesson for hew latest boyfriend be "wear a condom"??? Who knows what STDs she's got!!

By Draconian

A little word of advice: Never tell a woman too much about yourself. They seek your faults. Keep yourself mysterious! Don't tell her your date of birth too soon...all she has to do is read you in a Astrology Book instead of letting you express yourself!!!

By CHASKA

I think the difference will be is this man is MORE INTELLIGENT, and will do better with Jessica. The other men were foolish. She needed time to grow up as well. ^5 & G'Luck

Saturday 16 October

By Don

"Personally, I think her string of failed relationships are due to no fault of her own." Really, Rebecca? While I imagine you're one of these women who has long since embraced the idea that 90% of all relationships dissolve because of the man and his doings you need to dislodge your head from your behind if you honestly believe that where Jessica Simpson is concerned. While she's undoubtedly a beautiful and talented woman (these folks who constantly want to harp on her fluctuating weight and who claim she's really a no-talent are simply fools) there's no denying that her very busy life, laughably overbearing father and immature, ditzy ways have contributed plenty to men tiring of her and viewing her as little more than a sex object after a certain period of time.

P.S. Candice Crawford bears an uncanny resemblance to Romo belt notch Carrie Underwood, not Simpson, both of whom are plain and simply a step below Jessica.

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