With 'The Expendables' Success, Why Not Try 'Grumpy Old Star Wars'?

By Bob David Calhoun Posted Aug 16th 2010 07:00PM

Pop-Ed: This weekend, Sylvester Stallone and his aged Hollywood beefcake ensemble propelled 'The Expendables' to the top spot at the box office with a winning combination of star power and firepower. Meanwhile, in Orlando, Fla. at the 'Star Wars' Celebration V, George Lucas announced that all six 'Star Wars' movies will finally be released on Blu-ray in 2011.

As I read the stories, I had a major case of two great tastes melding together. You got your 'Star Wars' in my 'Expendables!' You got your 'Expendables' in my 'Star Wars!'

Listen, if a bunch of old guys kicking ass can rake in a bundle at the box office, why can't Lucas reunite the cast of his original trilogy while Mark Hamill can still lift a lightsaber? Yes, I'm talking 'Grumpy Old Star Wars' here, with Hamill, Harrison Ford and Billy Dee Williams getting the band back together to blow up one more Death Star. Ford already put the dusty fedora back on for 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' in 2008 -- why can't he pull that old vest out of the mothballs and strap on a blaster for another trip through hyperspace as Han Solo?

Besides Luke, Han and Lando, the new movie can feature an older Chewbacca with grey hairs mixed into his brown fur; it'll make him look rather distinguished. Carrie Fisher is also still kicking around, so why not have Princess Leia curse out Han for leaving her stranded at the altar? (C'mon, you know he did this.) And of course we can't have 'Grumpy Old Star Wars' without C-3PO and R2-D2, though 3PO will complain incessantly about how hard it is to find replacement parts for himself. We can even show Luke visiting elderly Jawas in robotic walkers in order to score some old school power converters to keep R2 beeping away.

We don't need to think long term with this thing by planning any prequels or sequels; Han or Luke's kids don't need to show up to start a new franchise. Think how awful 'The Expendables' would have been if they tried to introduce a wee Sly or a Mickey Rourke Jr. to give the movie more youth appeal. All we'll really need is two hours of that original 'Empire Strikes Back' cast hopping into an even more jacked-up Millennium Falcon to stick it to the Empire one last time.

For villains, we can yank Boba Fett outta that Sarlacc Pit to give Han more guff. Hell, they cloned Boba Fett's dad in the prequels, why not replicate Darth Vader for this movie? We can even get Hayden Christensen to play Anakin's clone so fans can finally see Luke kicking his ass with the Force. We're talking biggest movie of all time, with that match-up. Oh yeah, and it could be in 3-D. Don't forget the 3-D!

The prequel trilogy left fans bitterly divided into two hostile camps: Those who loved 'em and those who wanted to stomp Jar Jar Binks into putrescent goo. 'Grumpy Old Star Wars' can bridge these factions by giving the people what they really want. It's just 'Star Wars' -- let's have some fun with it!

Bob David Calhoun is the author of the punk-wrestling memoir Beer, Blood and Cornmeal: Seven Years of Incredibly Strange Wrestling. His coverage of Comic-Con and WonderCon has appeared on Salon.com, and he is currently working on a book about conventions, trade shows, and other gatherings. Read his blog on Red Room!

Tags: Red Room, Star Wars, The Expendables

Comments

(21)

Monday 16 August

By Jasna

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You should know that there is a long history post Star Wars. Han and Leia get married and have 3 children. I always thought it would be a great idea.

By Bryan

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None of that "long history post Star Wars" matters. None of it is canon, so any sequels or prequels that Lucas makes doesn't have to fall in line with that. It's already been proven by the Fett backstory, to name only one example. Lucas doesn't consider the expanded universe when creating his stories, despite all the fanboys out there who cry and moan about how he "ruined" the franchise he created. I love the idea of "grumpy old Star Wars"..if only they would do it.

By LongDuckDong

Originally there was supposed to be a total of 9 Star Wars anyway so this would all fit into the episodes 7-9. I dont see why they dont do it you know it would make a lot of money.

By bobr3

I gotta tell ya. Movie Critics have NO CLUE what people want to see. They pan any good action Movie as trash but fall in love with psychobabble BS that people walk out of sayin', "Huh?"

Critically acclaimed = boring to me. I avoid those movies at all cost.

By Chris

The prequels DID divide people into two camps: those who hate them and those who really hate them. I've never met anyone who loved all three movies.

Wednesday 18 August

By Chris Miles

Id have to disagree with u on the 2 types of ppl its created, ppl who hated it, & ppl that really hated it.

StarWars has a loyal fan base that just wants more, as long as its descent.
i have to admit, for example, i though episode 1 was dumb b4 i gave it a chance. But still, im glad it was made.

in other words, Its not my Fav move, but im glad its in my life.

They make money, the fans want them, why not make more???

i think what it really separated was true fans, & ppl that claim they were true fans

By Unknown

I loved all three

Wow, if u only knew how many times ive thought of this. Or how about this for an idea.
Have a "Rise of the Rebellion Series".
1) They use the Stawars unleashed (the video game)story line
2) They show the rebellion taking shape, with the origins of Han & Lando together, and Leia as a teen influenced by her adoptive father.
3) Show the first Battle won by the rebellion (that was foretold on the 1st scroll of the episode 1) & have a The Emperor set up a fight between Vader & Aniken, to finally kill the Aniken inside.

The whole while, Vader thrashes every Jedi left but Obi & Yoda.
Finally Vader will live up to the Hype. For-real, he suppose to be so Good, who besides Count Duku did he beat?

By Joe

You forget he killed Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi in Episode IV.

By Andy

Stranded at the altar? Apparently unaware of the Courtship of Princess Leia (not that I necessarily consider that canon) or the Thrawn Trilogy, which definitely is canon, which starts with Han and Leia already married and Leia pregnant with their first two children, Jaina and Jacen. A third child, Anakin, is born.

Later, Chewie eventually dies saving Anakin's life (finally paying off his life debt with Han), only for Anakin to die a year or so later as a very young man. Also, Jacen turns evil, so Jaina kills him.

Tuesday 17 August

By Daniel

Exactly, I was going to mention the Thrawn/Heir to the Empire trilogy as well. Lucas originally meant it to be a trilogy of trilogies, and the Heir trilogy was supposed to finish it up. It can't happen as planned, though, because "Heir" was set 5 years (I believe) after the events of Return of the Jedi. So for those who say, "None of the expanded universe is canon..." they're just wrong.

By Donald

George, it is time for the last series 7-9. The technology has improved and there is so much one can do on the screen in contrast to the first series that you did. Grumpy old Star Wars will work and will make tons of money. It will also introduce a whole new generation to the franchise and satisfy the previous ones that have wanted it to continue and not end the way it did in episode 6. We are sure you have taken the time to reflect and we are sure you have thought about what you did right and wrong and how you would have made it better. Well, here is your chance to give us and yourself one last opportunity to escape into the wonderful story of Star Wars. How about it??

By john

Do not make the 7-9 of Star Wars......George Lucas understands it will only weaken the saga! If he does go through with it (which I doubt) he will re-write star wars history that will anger many fans of the 2 trilogies! Leave well enough alone....NO 7-9!

By Dan Solo

With the amount of money that George Lucas himself has received from the sales of all the graphic novels and literature written in the Star Wars lore, to say that they are not canon is blasphemous. Who do you think approves the books and graphic novels before they go to print? GEORGE LUCAS himself. Don't believe me? Do the research. George is SO anal about the Star Wars Galaxy that many very good writers have been turned down for not sticking to canon in regards to character interaction, relationships and dynamics, as well as basic terminology.

Onto a "grumpy old Star Wars", I know all Star Wars fans would LOVE to see Han and Leia's banter after XX amount of years being married, or see Luke as a Jedi Grand Master with his son Ben being the new chosen one to defend the Universe. Mark, Harrison, and Carrie are all old enough to have children that are young adults now - why not utilize that and usher some of the newer Legacy Era stories onto the silver screen? To say that Lucas wouldn't make money hand over fist would be a flat out lie. The man would be laughing all the way to the bank. I'm all for it dammit!

By nvonr

I took my 18 year old son to see this movie and we left 2/3rds the way through. He said they should change the name of the movie to the "Viagrables". These tools never even wore a real military uniform.

By Frank

I would have loved to see at least one more movie. But make it in 3D. Just to see where Luke has taken the new Jedi Knights. Wouldn't it be cool to see light sabre blades whiz by above your head or stuff flying with the force behind it? Or go into Hyperdrive?? It would be awsome.

By Robert

@nvonr
You and your son are both tools. They never wore a "real" soldier uniform because they were mercenaries you dolts. Men for hire if you don't know the definition of the word. Also, you missed the best part of the film if you left 2/3'3 of the way in. I can only shake my head in disbelief. I personally thought the entire movie was fun and entertaining. I don't know what you two were watching. Are you sure you two weren't in the wrong theater watching Eat Pray Love?

By Bob

as a life long fan of StarWars, this article sickens me! If Mr Lucas wished to relaunch the franchise he could start off by turning a few of the book trilogies (WHICH ARE CANON!)into animated movies while keeping true to the timeline. If I was in charge, I'd start with The Thrawn Trilogy then The Jedi Academy Trilogy and then The Corellian Trilogy and then announce a Live Action trilogy based on The New Jedi Order series. If done this way, I feel that old time fans like myself would be overjoyed to see our much beloved characters return while introducing newer fans to some of the new characters that weren't part of the original trilogy.

By Clif Cooper

How about an OBI-Wan the lost years? We all know he was an adventurer and a Jedi. Are we really to believe that he just sat there on tatooine all those years waiting for Luke to grow up?

By timsutton60

How about Luke and Leia finally get together?? fans of the original never beleived that crap about them being related. maybe they find out THAT was just BS

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