One Man's Quest to Not Watch Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman Make Out

By Matthew Shepatin Posted Nov 14th 2010 05:17PM

Pop-Ed: This was supposed to be a write-up on how Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman, who play rival ballerinas in Darren Aronofsky's critically-acclaimed 'Black Swan,' will revive their battle in real life by releasing two crazily-similar romantic comedies about the wisdom of bumping uglies with your close friend (Portman: 'No Strings Attached' // Kunis: 'Friends With Benefits').

But after plugging "Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman" on Google Instant, a feature that shows results as you type, the following appeared:

► Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis make-out in 'Black Swan'
► 'Black Swan' Trailer: Natalie Portman & Mila Kunis Kiss (VIDEO)
► WATCH! Mila Kunis & Natalie Portman Lock Lips In A Steamy Kissing
► Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis Are Going To Get It On
► Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis Have Angry Drug-Fueled Lesbain Sex

I'll acknowledge that the thought of temporarily deviating course did pop into my head. Now, do I think Google is purposely trying to distract me from my reporting duties, which, while not reaching the journalistic import of Woodward & Bernstein, are less base and sophomoric than a trip down Smutty Lesbian-Kiss Road (leads to Gratuitous Movie Boobage Lane)?

Google, which is the way most of us search for information, is like walking into Wal-Mart, where the first thing you see are displays of candy, followed by a Dunkin Donuts glowing in the background. (Hey, I came in for a cordless grass shear.) Bam! Just like that you're in the pricker bush. Same applies to the internet. You go looking for one thing and wouldn't you know it -- you find something far more vulgar and academically reprehensible.

Which is not to say that we don't have the power to resist falling prey to the siren call of cool, stupid s**t with no redeeming value, but why is the system set up so that you have to? The gauntlet of "Mila Kunis & Natalie Portman Hot Kiss" entries one has to pass before reaching actual links about the movie is mind-boggling. I estimated about 98% of the first 200 Google entries were solely about their sex scene. For the love of sanity, the headline "Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis used tequila to shoot sex scene" was followed by a link to NPR. That's National Public Radio, people.

If NPR can't insulate me from the cultural bile than who in the name of Juan Williams can?

Around the 200 entry mark, we get a momentary break from the endless "Natalie and Mila Lock Lips" reports because there's one blogger who is more interested in their other connection -- "Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis -- The Pride of the Jews."

The point is simply this: that with Google Instant, the search engine behemoth is, indeed, "pushing the limits of our technology and infrastructure to help you get better search results, faster." But they are also "pushing the limits of your moral and intellectual resolve to find out how mentally and spiritually undisciplined you are."

Now, if you'll excuse me I have a steamy girl-on-girl scene involving two of the most crush-worthy actresses of our generation to actively avoid?

Thanks, Internet.

Tags: black swan, mila kunis, natalie Portman, natalie+portman+mila+kunis+black+swan, natalieportmanmilakunisblackswan

Comments

(14)

Sunday 14 November

By rbk4

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I'd sure love to be the meat in that sandwich!Yumm....

Monday 15 November

By yngyyong

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Now, if you'll excuse me I have a steamy girl-on-girl scene involving two of the most crush-worthy actresses of our generation to actively avoid?I love this , So does My boyfriend .he is almost 11year older than me .i met him via age'lessmate.c'om a nice place for seeking age le ss love.which gives you a chance to make your life better and open opportunities for you to meet the attractive young girls and treat you like a king. Maybe you wanna check it out or tell your friends..

By Donald G

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If it ain't got Clint Eastwood in it I Ain't gonna watch it

By Dominic

Two most crush-worthy actresses? Anyone hear of Jennifer Love Hewitt or Kiera Knightley?

By Kate

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Ah, but he wrote 'two OF the most crush-worthy,' not 'the two most crush-worthy.' Doesn't exclude Jennifer and Kiera from the list.

Saturday 15 January

By alex

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Jennifer Love Hewitt...is ugly and can't act...I don't know what she's doing in the business and how she continues to work...Ugh!
knighly has a vampires mouth and is anorexic....and all you can see is that pretensious mouth all the time.

By cl

I no longer have any respect for Portman.

By cajun

its a job people....

By Me

The did this movie already, except without the sensationalism of girl-on-girl action. It was called "All About Eve."

Tuesday 23 November

By Michael Walls

Google Instant just supplies the most popularly searched strings from an impersonal, non-judgemental database of recent user queries. So it is not Google that is "smutty" - it is us, of course!

Wednesday 24 November

By Nanny

This is a good information i got from here.I really liked it and this information is worth remembering. Nanny

Thursday 25 November

By knightm7

Is that a crotch behind Portman's head?!?

Thursday 13 January

By m smith

And where can I see the two naked and sweaty?

Monday 14 March

By SaintReaper1323

Natalie Portman is BEAUTIFUL, the movie doesn't matter it's her I'm watching.