Mary Weiland Doesn't Blame Rocker Ex for Introducing Her to Heroin

How are you handling your bi-polar diagnosis now?
It's awesome. I actually just came back from my doctor's just now and he's bringing down my medication because things are going so well.

Ever miss the highs?
It's not as exciting as thinking straight but there are ups and downs to it. That's how I always was so I was used to it. To change the way my mind works was definitely a change. My mother is convinced I'm no longer as funny as I was which is sad. So there's that. I do miss the creative part of it but it's possible to be creative without the madness, it's just a little bit of a struggle and it takes some effort.

You write of having a hard time getting out of bed as a teenager. Was that depression or bi-polar?
I think it was bi-polar. I can remember being depressed as far back as four. There were signs then I think.

You had a very serious drug problem.
Heroin is what brought me down. In a sense I'm grateful for having gone down that path but that was really where I began to have a noticeable problem.

And Scott introduced you to heroin.
He did but I don't blame him. I was the one who requested it. I certainly can't blame him for going down that bumpy road.

I remember reading someone describe a heroin high as 100 times better than your best orgasm.
That's probably true although I think everyone's chemical reaction to is probably different. For me I think it was self medication and that's what made it so amazing. To have all the depression and confusion and trying to figure out what was wrong with me covered in a blanket of comfort. You're always trying to chase the first high and it never comes back. You can still have really pleasurable moments but I can't imagine I can ever get that high again even after so many years of not having it in my system.

How many times a day were you shooting up?
I couldn't even count. At my worst it turned into my life and basically what my job was. On a daily basis all I wanted to do was just get high.

Is withdrawal the worst?
I would say it's worse than childbirth. Definitely it's something I'm glad I went through; it makes it more difficult to relapse because that fear is always there. It's pretty painful and it's not pretty.

How much do you think you spent on drugs?
It's depressing to even guess. I know the first month I went through 30 grand. To think I did that is painful to look back at. That's just the drugs, that's not rehab and doctors.

You write of missing the ritual of shooting up.
Sometimes I would say the ritual is something I miss more than actually getting high. It's the anticipation for sure that's a huge part of it but also it's a habit, it's a part of your life. To take some part of your life, even if it's really negative, to take that away, it's change and most people don't do really well with change.

How many years were you a drug addict?
I used drugs and alcohol for ten years from 13 to 23 but it was the last year and half on heroin that was really transforming.

You went to seven rehabs.
It's normal to relapse after rehab. One of the most important things I've learned is that relapse is a part of recovery. There's no miracle. Some people get it on the first try and that's amazing but most people do not.

Did you go in on the seventh time and think oh this is not going to work.
I was pretty much forced into the seventh try. I wasn't ready to quit. Scott was serving time, he'd been in jail for months and I continued to use and he had been sober before he went into jail and while he was in there he had the hope and idea that he'd never use again. He knew he couldn't have me in his life if I continued to use so basically it was an ultimatum.

Your relationship was really dysfunctional.
I don't think anyone who uses drugs together can say they have anything healthy going on. Couple drugs with a sort of love addiction that doesn't qualify as normal but I wouldn't trade what we had. It was a huge learning experience. I don't think I'd be the person I am today if we didn't go through what we went through.

I can't believe after all you went through with Scott you two are now divorced.
I know it's sad but we have a good friendship now. There's not that stress of everyday marriage which I'm sure very couple has.

Do you think if he didn't relapse so often you'd still be together?
I don't know, that's certainly a possibility but also I met him at 16 and people change. You're not the same person you are at 35 that you were at 16.

You also spent time in a mental hospital.
The really big manic episode came for me in 2007. Before that the mania I experienced wasn't counter-productive.

What do you say to people who say oh she's a model, married to rock star? She had all the opportunities in the world.
What people don't understand is there's a stigma attached to it. A lot of people don't understand it's a disease. If someone has cancer you wouldn't say, 'Why don't you just not have cancer.' Hopefully from my book people will learn about addiction and mental illness and look at it differently.

Worry about your kids doing drugs?
Of course but because of the experiences Scott and I have had, should it ever become an issue that they struggle with, we're going to have so much more knowledge than our parents did.

You're very lucky you had a great support system and money to deal with your problems.
I would be homeless for sure. I'm beyond grateful for not only having Scott in my life who knew so much about his. Also it's not an inexpensive thing, or it hasn't been for me, to repair myself. I don't know how your average person is even capable of finding a great doctor because I went through quite a few and then the meds are insanely expensive even with insurance. You need a separate job to pay for the medication. One medication I take costs $900 for thirty days without insurance.

It's really hard for me because I feel horrible that other people don't have the opportunities I have. I don't know how I would have done it. I share that with my kids when they see a homeless person. They'll ask me why are they there and I say, 'Mommy doesn't know exactly but they might be bi-polar and they don't have a doctor or medication and it's hard for them to live life.'

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