Read Excerpts From Snooki's Book, Prepare to Have Mind Blown

By Sarah Crow Posted Jan 3rd 2011 04:00PM

Read the First Excerpts of Snooki's 'A Shore Thing'

Faulkner, Hemingway and Fitzgerald may be widely acknowledged as America's preeminent literary talents, but none of them have gotten down with The Situation in a hot tub. This is where Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi enters the equation.

The 'Jersey Shore' star's first novel, 'A Shore Thing,' is scheduled for release this week and early buzz has contenders for the National Book Award shaking in their boots.

Snooker's prose encompasses all of the subtlety we've come to expect from the pocket-sized party girl, from the terse descriptions of her lifelong passions to the exquisitely-crafted allegory between her emasculated "juiceheads" and Puccini's tragic heroine in 'La Boheme.'

After the jump, we contrast Snooki's work (courtesy of the New York Post) with the literary greats, whose talents she has not only equaled but clearly surpassed.

On seeing another person, as if for the first time:
Fitzgerald: "Gatsby was overwhelmingly aware of the youth and mystery that wealth imprisons and preserves, of the freshness of many clothes, and of Daisy, gleaming like silver, safe and proud above the hot struggles of the poor."

Polizzi: "He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face."

On anger:
Hemingway: "His rage began to thin as he exaggerated more and more and spread his scorn and contempt so widely and unjustly that he could no longer believe in it himself."

Polizzi: "Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage."

On love:
Steinbeck: "Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love."

Polizzi: "Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."

On the significance of place:
Didion: "A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his image."

Polizzi: "Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn't nearly as gritty and disgusting as she'd seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank -- on a weekday afternoon -- was as clean and quiet as a church."

On the evil that lurks inside:
Faulkner: "There was something terrible in me sometimes at night I could see it grinning at me I could see it through them grinning at me through their faces it's gone now and I'm sick"

Polizzi: "Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."

Tags: snooki

Comments

(183)

Monday 03 January

By EDS

Highest Rank Vote down Vote up Report this

When will her 15 minutes end?

By themeeker

We're talking about the pig Shnookie. It's not my MIND that will be blown...not if Shnookie stays true to that fat form.

By Lfringyu

Lowest Rank Vote down Vote up Report this

I lo ve The I- n terracial R-o-m -an ce! It is so nice. My bo yf riend and i both think so. He is a s-e-ax-y bl ack man,lol. I know him via *** B_l_a_c_k_w_h_i_t_e_C_u_p_i_d // C_0_M *** a nice place for bbl ack ww hite s ing les, to int eract wi th each o ther…no bounds or extr emes in front of tr ue l ove. . …@love it

★★★★★★ ;)
Well Susan ? Why? Because brain dead people idolize the show...For a little while, brain dead people have a place to spend their evenings...

Saturday 08 January

By Stah Fish

I did it all 4 the Snookie! huh! The Snookie! Hah! The Snookie! So you can take that cookie and schtick it up ya yeah!

Sunday 09 January

By BJS

Is it 14 minutes and 59 seconds yet?????????

By TJK

IS ANYONE REALLY STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE SOMEONE WITH THE INTELLIGENCE OF A TURNIP COULD WRITE AT ALL,NEVER MIND A BOOK ?

By Steve

I keep asking the same question about Sarah Palin and that thing she calls a daughter. ....Makes Snookie look like princess Grace LOL!!!

By kimd

Please,Please stop giving this person any publicity.Aren't her 15 minutes up yet? If not,can we hurry them along?

By Mike

Relax......soon enough this POS and the rest of her loser cast members will follow.....

By Sharon

that 15 minutes is STILL going on for Kate G. Some people just don't get it

By mikesmcs

Someone actually published this!!!!!Why?

Thursday 06 January

By Brownswan

Because it will sell, and that is all that matters to the publisher, who probably bent over and brought his own Vaseline to land this o-puss. Unless the publisher is a woman, in which case I am not prepared to describe what she put out to get these goods.

But probably the publisher is a corporation, where nothing matters but the bottom line and the quarterly statement. Snooki's bottom line looks very good to a corporation.

By MJ

For laughs.

By marie

because they will make money off the morons that buy it

By Ron

Even worse..morons will buy this book. What is the appeal of this piece of trailer trash? Anyone wasting money on this is " a special kind of stupid"

By Bob Reynolds

Because ultimately H.L. Mencken was right when he said nobody ever lost money underestimating the taste -- or the intelligence -- of the American public.

By Ashlee

I am now dumber for having read this. Who in the hell would publish this trash?

By YoYo

Lol! Good one!

By Nico Toscani

In the words of Bartelby The Scrivener: "I prefer not to".

By florida1

You should have included another appropriate line: "Ah Bartleby! Ah humanity!"

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