
Read Excerpts From Snooki's Book, Prepare to Have Mind Blown

Faulkner, Hemingway and Fitzgerald may be widely acknowledged as America's preeminent literary talents, but none of them have gotten down with
The Situation in a hot tub. This is where Nicole "
Snooki" Polizzi enters the equation.
The 'Jersey Shore' star's
first novel, 'A Shore Thing,' is scheduled for release this week and early buzz has contenders for the National Book Award shaking in their boots.
Snooker's prose encompasses all of the subtlety we've come to expect from the pocket-sized party girl, from the terse descriptions of her lifelong passions to the exquisitely-crafted allegory between her emasculated "juiceheads" and Puccini's tragic heroine in 'La Boheme.'
After the jump, we contrast Snooki's work (courtesy of the
New York Post) with the literary greats, whose talents she has not only equaled but clearly surpassed.
On seeing another person, as if for the first time:
Fitzgerald: "Gatsby was overwhelmingly aware of the youth and mystery that wealth imprisons and preserves, of the freshness of many clothes, and of Daisy, gleaming like silver, safe and proud above the hot struggles of the poor."
Polizzi: "He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face."
On anger:
Hemingway: "His rage began to thin as he exaggerated more and more and spread his scorn and contempt so widely and unjustly that he could no longer believe in it himself."
Polizzi: "Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage."
On love:
Steinbeck: "Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love."
Polizzi: "Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."
On the significance of place:
Didion: "A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his image."
Polizzi: "Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn't nearly as gritty and disgusting as she'd seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank -- on a weekday afternoon -- was as clean and quiet as a church."
On the evil that lurks inside:
Faulkner: "There was something terrible in me sometimes at night I could see it grinning at me I could see it through them grinning at me through their faces it's gone now and I'm sick"
Polizzi: "Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."
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I would never read anything from Snooki. Those excerpts alone nearly put me to sleep.
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Reading this book "will suck out your mind a replace it with stupid."
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snOOki has to be the biggest loser to ever grace any television screen anywhere on this earth. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!
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Only if the introduction is written by Lady Gaga......heads of air unite!! HAHA
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What a waste!
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SNOOKI VS LOHAN ??? BOTH ARE NUTS
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Yeah. Snookie and Lohan could write a book together. Talk about a "page-turner."
What's really scary is that people will actually buy her book and one day she may decide to breed and (dis)grace us with her progeny.
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This article was published way too early, April Fool's Day is three months away.
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This is really, really good. Impressive, actually.
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Agreed! This is excellent.
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Oh Balls..........What's the tile? Snookies Cookie or perhaps Snookie Spreads Em (again and again and again)? Anything else would be inappropriate!
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It is kind of funny that this girl, who is only 4'4" tall is such a hit. I guess she is a midget in build and mind. I wish we could wake up some day and find no mention of her along with Paris, Kim and her lesser sisters and of course Lynsay Lohan.
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snookie??? What the FCUK did I just read...made absolutely no sense...AND this came from a book...for who...retards..is it on the the 80% off shelf?
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Yeah, it's all fun and games, until someones immune system goes down...then maybe they can do a PSA instead of just being idiots...
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MTV stopped being MTV in 1992 when they created "The Real World"... MTV is loooonnggggggggggg gone, and it is sad, because I am the original MTV Generation, and I can tell how great it was when it first came out... Innovators in the Underground Video World that spun records and videos 24/7 - J.J. Johnson, and Nina Blackwood, and Martha Quinn and Alan Jackson... Bon Jovi, and Madonna who put quality work and cost into their craft... Dear MTV - I miss you... victoria
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I agree, Victoria. Music videos. MTV was a great thing at one time.
Haha! The best thing that ever happened to this girl was getting adopted. If she had stayed in Chile, she would have been someone's housemaid.
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Who cares....what has she contibuted......NOTHING! WHO WITH A BRAIN CARES!
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My brain is bleeding.....does this constitute a blown mind?
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