An Open Letter to Charlie Sheen's New Girlfriend

By Jo Piazza Posted Feb 16th 2011 05:33PM

Pop-Ed: In a bizarre interview with 'The Dan Patrick Show' on Monday, Charlie Sheen revealed he has a new woman in his life.

He declined to reveal her identity, perhaps because this lucky young lass may not realize just yet that she is actually dating Charlie Sheen. Because if she had any clue what she was in for, we imagine she would be running for the hills.

But maybe, just maybe, Sheen's new woman has been living under a rock recently or really needs a green card or a way out of porn. In that case, we want to write her a little note in the spirit of full disclosure.

Dear future Mrs. Charlie Sheen IV,

You seem nice. We imagine you're blond and pretty and too young to remember when your boyfriend was engaged to that older lady now married to John Travolta. You know who he is. Your mom really likes him.

Anywho, when your bf was engaged to that nice lady Kelly Preston back in 1990 (way before you were born) he kind of sort of accidentally shot her. She's fine now, but it did lead to a breakup, so if you want this to last forever we suggest you lock up your firearms.

In 1995, Charlie was married to Donna Peele. The same year, he showed up on a list of clients of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss. Let's just say fidelity isn't exactly Charlie's thing.

On the bright side, he does get along really well with his second wife, Denise Richards. Now. When the pair divorced Richards accused him of abusing drugs and threatening her with violence.

In return, he sent her some nasty e-mails.

"You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and, um, oh yeah, sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [bleep] yourself, sad, jobless pig," Charlie wrote to the mother of two of his children.

But that didn't deter wifey number three, Brooke Mueller, from saying "I do." But maybe she should have paid Denise and Charlie's divorce papers a little more heed. Charlie was arrested for assaulting and menacing Mueller on Christmas back in 2009.

Most recently, Charlie invited a gaggle of porn stars to live in a $25 million utopian village of sin. Sometimes a guy just gives off signals that he isn't ready to settle down. This might be one.

But hey, he has a great sense of humor and a really good job. Plus, a good man is hard to find in LA. Good luck, kiddo!

Lots of Xs and Os,

PopEater

Follow Jo on Twitter

Tags: charlie sheen

Comments

(12)

Wednesday 16 February

By jim

Highest Rank Vote down Vote up Report this

Perfect!!

By Aubrey Hart

Einstein once said, "The definition of insanity is to marry Charlie Sheen and expect the results to be different." Brilliant!!

By vicky

LMAO!!!!

By Good Time Charlie

High Rank Vote down Vote up Report this

he HAD a great sense of humor and a really good job. He HAD a really good job. I don't think he'll ever reclaim it.

By Sharon

Vote down Vote up Report this

Sure he will. He is life imatating art or is it the other way around??????????????????

By February Featherstone

Maybe she's porn star or a "prostitute to the stars" in which case she is just perfect for him.

By Eilrahc

he should just start recyclying the old ones (women, that is)

Thursday 17 February

By thudpucker

I have a hard time understanding why a woman would want to be seen with him. He graduated to threats with a knife for crying out loud. Run woman! It may be a gun nexttime.

By gladys king

there is a sucker born every minute. But, who knows,
Charlie is still a very rich man, and there are lots of dumb gold diggers out there.

By Stephanie

Hilarious!!!

Wednesday 23 February

By brian wells

Its a f-ing miracle that Charlie doesnt have a flaming case of herpes.Then again???

Tuesday 22 March

By whoisinfinit

he likes pornstars, big deal, they know what they are doing. winning. Find a better story next time is this really the best you can do.

Page 1 of 1